Hope is a Four-letter Word

Well, it is. There's no getting around that. I'm starting to think, however, that it's as dirty as any of those 'other' four-letter words. Branwen has her own problems, but she doesn't possess in her heart the hope of truly realizing her dreams. Does she have a chance? I heartily believe she can make a difference; she, however, keeps focusing on what she cannot change herself. She focuses so much on the negative that she, while having a chance, doesn't believe she does.

I cannot blame her, for I would be a hypocrite to think otherwise.

Every beat of my heart, I pray that all will be well, that Sydni will be sane - or can be made so - but I... I don't believe it will be so. Duty, responsibility, fear... these will see me through this week, and probably through the rest of my life.

I had felt this had happened before; that this was not Sydni and mine's first lives, first chances to upset the balance that exists in this world. Brothers... that explains quite a bit. Magisters, that too explains a lot. I picked up the sword partially from wanting to prove to my parents that a daughter could equal a son, then I found the joy in being a swordswoman. But magic... Some spells always came easier to me - the more destructive, the better. The burning rain I set upon the snake village was too easy to do, both magically and morally. And the magic I have been learning lately... I learned a spell that - even if I do not kill the creature - deals permanent damage. What happened to clean kills? It may have taken a while, but I had preferred to kill my prey...

What is happening to me?

What is happening to Sydni?

What will happen?

The Spiral into Madness, or, Abiding the Twin-Damnation: To Fail & Know You Failed

I'm glad Branwen's around.

I don't think I would be sane without her.

Not that I'm much sane right now.

The others have made a few jokes, sideways glances, and questioning looks a few times, wondering exactly what I think of Branwen, what she is to me. I'll admit, for all the holes still in my memory, she has always always reminded me of Sydni. But in the way of a younger sister reminding you of the older, or of a child baring semblance to their parent. She needed no protection from me when we first met, and needs even less of it now, but she let me pretend. I needed that then - the holes were so much larger then, and all I knew was there was someone I should be protecting. Should have protected... but I failed. And now I know how much I failed...

I scared Dorian when I said would kill myself... is it that great a shock? I have a duty to fulfill, a responsibility that must be accomplished but once I am done... I would hope that it need not come to that. That I need not kill Sydni and myself. There just are not that many choices, and I fear that Sydni's choices have been taken from her, leaving the harshest decisions for myself. I hate these snakes; I believe that the others think I hate all snakes, but I only wish to destroy those who would not be the wise serpent. I remember trusting Sydni at my back, to make that quick hard strike, that if it failed, then allowed me the chance to hunt it into the ground.

I fear what the snakes have done to her mind: Sydni was never one much for following the wishes of others, what have they done to have her do so? For I know (I believe, I hope, I fear) she would not wish what they wish. I know what happened in my own mind, how much worse was hers? I had allies soon enough, ones that did not push in any true direction, and Syndi...

I grow angrier and more fearful with each hour that passes. I merely bank that rage building a bonfire of focused fury that should hopefully destroy any which stand in my way. I frightened myself with the destruction of the snake village, but... but. I will carry that offense on my soul, but that which is past is past. The snakes placed themselves in my way, seeking to grab whatever power I house for their own, and this shall not happen, no matter the atrocities I need to commit to make it so.

Branwen's the closest thing I have to a sister - though I think she is more like Sydni than I. Everything I have will go to her if the worst happens. I have asked Ezekiel if he will stay with Branwen and Bertram if I should die, he is still thinking on it. I hope he does; I wish to leave her something that will give her comfort, and protection, and my sword will not stay past my death.

I see the price I may pay for the safety of this world is my death: all I can hope is that Branwen will forgive me.

Right now, I cannot forgive myself for failing.