I've always watched from the sidelines. I just feel more comfortable there. Maybe it's my childhood experiences, maybe I'm just so used to it, that anything else requires uncomfortable exertion.
I'm not supposed to be like this; I should be extroverted, not introverted. I always feel the urge to steal the limelight, and claim it for myself instead of letting others bask in the attention. But I also like being mysterious.
Sometimes I just want to hunker down and scream until my throat is so raw that blood soothes the inside of my throat.
What I just wrote bothers me deeply. I need to stay sane for the next however many years, and make it till the end, finish, and then I can give up. No rest, no leisure, just finish the job and then I can rest.
Actually that's bull shit. I'm going to stick with this until I master this, then I move onto the next mountain. I want to write scifi/fantasy, so I need to understand how these things work. It's going to be an uphill battle, and I'm thinking I'll never get better, but I know I will, it just takes time.
It just takes time.
I keep thinking that I'm in a holding pattern, waiting for the next thing to come around for me to learn. That I'm studying all these weird things for a reason, that will come up sometime, when I least expect, but it's not right now.
My dreams, I working toward them, but it feels weird to say that. People usually say either they are living their dreams, or they aren't. I'm waiting and working towards them, but I ain't there yet.