"Sometimes, it was physical. I had nowhere to go, no one to turn to in my time of need. That only was once, when I contemplated suicide." I shook my head. "Goddess knows how much that stills scares me. The possibility of my life not existing...
"That brought me to the other instances and their situations." I wiped away the tears starting to form. "I don't give in, ever--NEVER EVER. I can no longer fathom the possibility of giving in. Oh, sure, I can imagine it, and contemplate, but the actual giving in will never happen. I always ALWAYS fight, no matter what. I won't, or can't give in, even when my life, destiny, and fate would be better.
"They say most give in when they have no more hope, nothing more to live for in their lives. I always have something--a dream, a hope, a fantasy of a better life--hiding deep in my mind, heart and soul. The image of a child to hold, a brother to stand back to back with in battle, a father--or even a mother--who could hold me, and let me cry.
"Crying... I haven't cried for myself in years. I can place myself in other people's shoes, and cry for them, but myself... I make up stories... I can't cry for myself." I smirked, "I took out my self-pity circuit. But someone to cry with me... I think I could cry then.
"I think I could cry then. And maybe find the peace that everyone thinks I have."
I'm still not sure if this is me... am I just channeling, or is this what I feel inside? I no longer know. Does it really matter?... Pain happens to everyone, and I have felt more than most, I think, at least earlier in my life. But I still dream.
Are you out there? Do these dreams, these mutterings, these floating in the back of my mind mean something beyond what is on the surface? How long must I wait until I find out? I can't wait forever...